Scene 1: I created the following "Prelim Playlist."
Scene 2: I'm talking to the boyfriend, telling him about my terrible day.
Me: I yelled at Jenny today during our meeting. I feel terrible.
Him: Jenny? Jenny? That's like yelling at a nice, happy puppy.
Me: I know [hanging head]
Scene 3: I hurt my hand on the dryer, and then cry uncontrollably for 30 minutes. The boyfriend walks in,
Him: What's wrong?
Me: Lots of things.
I know exactly why I'm so angry. What's strange is that it's because of something that happened six months ago. I usually don't hold onto anger this way. I'm like a firework. I explode immediately; it dissapates and I usually forget why I was angry. This anger is different; it has turned into firey stones that I carry in my shoulders, brain, and belly.
Scene 0: I'm talking to my advisor about my preliminary exam.
Me: I think it's time for me to prelim. I've published another paper, and we agreed that after I published another paper, it would be time.
Adv: You aren't ready. Let's say this, you can prelim when your boyfriend prelims.
Me: Um... What? I don't think that's appropriate. I mean, we aren't married or anything...
Adv: Why not! Why aren't you married yet?! [20 minute lecture on marriage and children ensues].
I'm really tired of this hell. I'm really tired of being slapped in the face for having tits. I need to get out of here before all this anger does permanent damage.
I think I'll get back to work on that prelim.
17 comments:
I don't know if you are already doing so, but you might want to start seeing a therapist. I was in a similar state a while ago, and seeing a therapist helped a lot, before my pent-up anger became full-scale depression.
oh my god, did your advisor actually say that??! No wonder you want to get the hell out of there! Egads.
I'd say the best revenge is to get your degree and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible. With as little contact with the idiots as you can manage.
Jesus Christ that's stupid. Can you swap your advisor out for some other member of your committee? Or switch them out of the process altogether? It seems like your boobs will continually stand in the way of progress in your advisor's eyes.
In solidarity, a fellow CS grad student.
I cannot believe your advisor's attitude. Just cannot. At least now you can take your prelim and GTHO of there.
Geezwhiz... Even if the two of you were married.. still.
Can you file a complain? I mean, is it illegal? Or, is there some admin office at your school that deals with these sort of stuff where you can ask for advice?
holy shit - That's so wrong.
I know in the real corporate world that's illegal. I'd so complain to the university.
(also seriously thin about seeing a therapist of some sort just so you can get some balance - because holy hell I'm angry for you)
I would say talk to the dean of the graduate school. it's too late to undo the six months, but at least you can have someone on your side if your advisor pulls any more shit or gets in your way of graduating.
i don't have a legal background, but it sounds like discrimination to me. of course since he's your advisor there's not much you can do until you're safely graduated, i'm guessing. hang in there!
-- a fellow female grad student (physics)
I wish I could say it gets better after you leave school, but...
Just the other day, I had the following conversation at lunch with one of my new colleagues (appropriately pseudonymized) in my new job.
Handjob: So, are you married?
Me: Yes, I am... [thinking, huh?]
Handjob: Did you move here because of your husband?
Me: Nooo, we moved here because I got a job here. [thinking, WTF?!?!]
The way the conversation should have gone, if only I had been more fearless and on top of things:
Handjob: So, are you married?
Me: Yes, how about you?
Handjob: Yes. Did you move here because of your husband?
Me: Nooo, we moved here because I got a job here. But tell me, did you get your job as a favor to your wife, or because they believe in affirmative action for jackasses?
Thanks for all the comments. I feel better knowing that I'm not crazy in thinking this guy is...less than desirable.
I totally appreciate the suggestions to do therapy. I've already done a year tour. Couldn't have made it this far in this place without that. Go health insurance and 50% coverage!
I had an uncle who used to work in a paper plant. He cut off three of his fingers. The cure to that? He got a new job.
I kind of feel the same way about this. No amount of therapy will equal just getting the hell out of here, as Jane and Helen put it so nicely.
And as for fighting it. Bwa ha ha. This department taught me a long time ago that I'm alone on this, just like I've been alone on all the other offenses.
You are right Rebecca, it won't get better. But hopefully, these kinds of people will have less direct and solitary control over me.
Thanks again everybody. The blogosphere made me feel better. :)
Ugh, what an asshat.
I don't know what else to say other than that...
Maybe you could talk to an Omsbud person to check out your options. They are usually very helpful with listing things that you can do, that won't come back to bite you in the ass, and they have to be confidential. This is just WRONG on so many levels. You are in individual and should be treated like one.
Asshat. Love that word, sums this guy up.
Get the damn Ph.D. and get the hell out of Dodge.
Years ago, I paid a courtesy call on the Director for Admin Computing -- same campus I went to grad school -- after starting as Head of Library Systems.
This wanker asked me, first rattle out of the box, "So, do you have kids?" Yes. "Do you plan to have any more?" WTF?
Five years later I got to help with firing him. In the meantime, I ignored him and outperformed him, totally showing up his useless self. Revenge is sweet.
BTW, document this stuff. Keep a log. You never know when that might come in handy.
In the meantime, forget it. Keep telling yourself, "I'm stronger, smarter, and tougher than this shithead. I will not let him control my life and emotions." And also, "What goes around comes around. His karma sucks; the universe will take care of him."
Leigh
Leigh, thanks. I'm getting out by December '08 for sure.
I think the universe has already, in part, taken care of him. His kids have nothing to do with him.
Ugh... I'm going to go into biology, but I still hope this never comes up. I'm not getting married OR having kids.
I want to kick this guy in the shins.
(since everything I wanted to say has been all ready said)
That said, short of kicking him, if I were in the same situation I'd probably do what you are doing: put my head down and show him that I'm much smarter then he thought I could be (given to the whole having breasts thing).
Good luck.
lost clown, thanks for the good luck wishes. I'm less than a week from my prelim now. I need lots of luck, and I'm happy to get yours. :)
oh my god, did your advisor actually say that??! No wonder you want to get the hell out of there!
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