Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Theme Song

From the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
Everything is everything
What is meant to be, will be
After winter, must come spring
Change, it comes eventually

I wrote these words for everyone
Who struggles in their youth
Who wont accept deception
Instead of what is truth
It seems we lose the game,
Before we even start to play
Who made these rules?
We're so confused
Easily led astray
Let me tell ya that
Everything is everything
Everything is everything
After winter, must come spring
Everything is everything

Sometimes it seems
We'll touch that dream
But things come slow or not at all
And the ones on top, wont make it stop
So convinced that they might fall
Lets love ourselves then we cant fail
To make a better situation
Tomorrow, our seeds will grow
All we need is dedication

Because it seems wrong to feel hopeless 6 days before my 31st birthday.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Bad Mood

Three scenes indicating that I'm very angry.

Scene 1: I created the following "Prelim Playlist."

* * *

Scene 2: I'm talking to the boyfriend, telling him about my terrible day.

Me: I yelled at Jenny today during our meeting. I feel terrible.
Him: Jenny? Jenny? That's like yelling at a nice, happy puppy.
Me: I know [hanging head]

* * *

Scene 3: I hurt my hand on the dryer, and then cry uncontrollably for 30 minutes. The boyfriend walks in,

Him: What's wrong?
Me: Lots of things.

* * *

I know exactly why I'm so angry. What's strange is that it's because of something that happened six months ago. I usually don't hold onto anger this way. I'm like a firework. I explode immediately; it dissapates and I usually forget why I was angry. This anger is different; it has turned into firey stones that I carry in my shoulders, brain, and belly.

Scene 0: I'm talking to my advisor about my preliminary exam.

Me: I think it's time for me to prelim. I've published another paper, and we agreed that after I published another paper, it would be time.

Adv: You aren't ready. Let's say this, you can prelim when your boyfriend prelims.

Me: Um... What? I don't think that's appropriate. I mean, we aren't married or anything...

Adv: Why not! Why aren't you married yet?! [20 minute lecture on marriage and children ensues].

* * *

I'm really tired of this hell. I'm really tired of being slapped in the face for having tits. I need to get out of here before all this anger does permanent damage.

I think I'll get back to work on that prelim.