Monday, October 16, 2006

Occlusal guards

I went to the dentist today for the first time in four years. I hate the dentist. I go only when my gums start to ache. Dentists are too much like car salespeople for me to do otherwise. Everything is fine. I have no cavities, and I floss like a pro.

Dentists and I have a long history, starting with the moment I met my sadist orthodontist, Dr. Greenbaum. He had a lustful eye for my father's teamster's insurance, and demanded every possible procedure my little mouth would merit. At the end of it all, I had two surgeries, 10 months of head-gear, two years of braces, and a fake tooth.

Despite all that, I have the teeth of a 50 year old woman because I grind them. I grind during the day, and at night. Today's dentist demanded I get a "night guard" at a price of $263, none of which is covered by health insurance. As a result, I've decided to send a bill to each person who has contributed to grinding my teeth.

  1. Alan the professor. $54. For consistently answering questions during other people's presentations at research meetings.

  2. Mocra. $110. For not understanding the concept of "wire wrap gun" and multiple other offenses.

  3. Bartender at campus bar. $12. For referring to the women assisting with the barroom game as "Bingo Bitches."

  4. Advisor. $10. For delaying my prelim until I publish more papers.

I've no doubt I'll think of more. Maybe I'll be able to afford two of these things.


skookumchick said...

I used to grind my teeth too. While billing your reasons for grinding isn't a bad idea ;-) , you also might consider getting one of those sports teeth guards that you put in water and then mold to your teeth. I found I spat it out sometime during the night, but on the other hand, you couldn't beat the price...

FemaleCSGradStudent said...

Genius! Thanks!

blatnoi said...

Please tell me how that billing goes. I just had a horrible time on the quals. I have a paper in a top journal, and a lot of other possible papers, and know my stuff, but my committee told me I wasn't wearing proper clothes and wasn't being professional in my presentation. Then the prof who is my nemesis said that "There were no problems with your paper or your slides", but that "I'm an idiot for thinking I'm the equal of people present in that room" since I didn't know the name of a university where a distinguished professor works and mispronounced their name.

So, if I pass quals on my second try (they told me I have three weeks to prepare more professionally), and get a degree or something, I'd like to bill this guy for a broken crown due to stress.

FemaleCSGradStudent said...

What a nightmare, blatnoi. These people are supposed to be training us to be their equals, yet they so relish batting us down to "where we belong."

I really really wish you the best on your second try. May you pass with flying colors and get beyond the other ugly trials of grad school.